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Marriage Workbook

By Craig Caster

APPENDIX E – WORKSHEET

EFFECTIVE LISTENING SELF-EVALUATION WORKSHEET

Complete the Loving Communication Self-Evaluation to help you become more aware of your listening habits. Answer each question thoughtfully and honestly, then discuss as a couple.

This homework should be completed each time there is unloving communication between a husband and wife, until the understanding is complete and the practice of forgiveness and reconciliation becomes a regular part of the relationship.

Communicating Knowledge and Attitudes

1. Do you tune-out your spouse when you agree with him/her or don’t want to hear?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

2. Do you concentrate on what is being said even if you are not really interested?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

3. Do you assume you know what your spouse is going to say and stop listening?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

4. Do you repeat in your own words what your spouse has just said?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

5. Do you listen to your spouse’s viewpoint, even if it differs from yours?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

6. Do you remain open to learning something from them, even if it seems insignificant?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

7. Do you find out what words mean when they are used in ways not familiar to you?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

8. Do you form a rebuttal in your head while your spouse is still talking?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

9. Do you give the appearance of listening when you are not?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

10. Do you daydream when your spouse is talking?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

11. Do you listen for main ideas, not just facts?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

12. Do you recognize that words don’t always mean the same thing to different people?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

13. Do you listen to only what you want to hear, blotting out your spouse’s whole message?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

14. Do you look at your spouse when he/she is speaking?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

15. Do you concentrate on your spouse’s meaning rather than how he/she looks?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

16. Do you know which words and phrases you tend to respond to defensively or resentfully?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

17. Do you think about what you want to accomplish with your communication?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

18. Do you plan the best time to say what you want to say?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

19. Do you think about how your spouse might react to what you say?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

20. Do you consider the best way to communicate (written, spoken, and/or the timing)?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

21. Do you always care about your spouse’s emotional condition when speaking to him/her (if he/she is stressed, sad, worried, hostile, disinterested, rushed, angry, etc.)?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

22. Do you adjust your communication to your spouse’s personality?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

23. Do you assume that your spouse knows and understands what you are communicating or have communicated to him/her?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

24. Do you allow your spouse to respectfully vent negative feelings toward you without becoming defensive?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

25. Do you regularly make efforts to increase your listening efficiency?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

26. Do you take notes when necessary to help you remember?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

27. Do you listen closely without being distracted by surroundings and/or children?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

28. Do you listen to your spouse without judging or criticizing?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

29. Do you restate instructions and messages to be sure you understand correctly?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

30. Do you listen to your spouse with preconceived assumptions or attitudes?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

31. Do you take responsibility for your part in the unloving communication by asking the Lord and your spouse to forgive you?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

32. Do you discuss with your children any difficulties you are having with your spouse?

Most of the Time Frequently Occasionally Almost Never

Note: Make sure you complete both pages of this self-evaluation.

Effective Listening Self-Evaluation Scoring Index

Select the number that represents the category you checked on each item of the Effective Listening Self-Evaluation.

1. Do you tune-out your spouse when you agree with him/her or don’t want to hear?

1 - Most of the Time 2 - Frequently 3 - Occasionally 4 - Almost Never

2. Do you concentrate on what is being said even if you are not really interested?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

3. Do you assume you know what your spouse is going to say and stop listening?

1 - Most of the Time 2 - Frequently 3 - Occasionally 4 - Almost Never

4. Do you repeat in your own words what your spouse has just said?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

5. Do you listen to your spouse’s viewpoint, even if it differs from yours?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

6. Do you remain open to learning something from them, even if it seems insignificant?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

7. Do you find out what words mean when they are used in ways not familiar to you?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

8. Do you form a rebuttal in your head while your spouse is still talking?

1 - Most of the Time 2 - Frequently 3 - Occasionally 4 - Almost Never

9. Do you give the appearance of listening when you are not?

1 - Most of the Time 2 - Frequently 3 - Occasionally 4 - Almost Never

10. Do you daydream when your spouse is talking?

1 - Most of the Time 2 - Frequently 3 - Occasionally 4 - Almost Never

11. Do you listen for main ideas, not just facts?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

12. Do you recognize that words don’t always mean the same thing to different people?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

13. Do you listen to only what you want to hear, blotting out your spouse’s whole message?

1 - Most of the Time 2 - Frequently 3 - Occasionally 4 - Almost Never

14. Do you look at your spouse when he/she is speaking?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

15. Do you concentrate on your spouse’s meaning rather than how he/she looks?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

16. Do you know which words and phrases you tend to respond to defensively or resentfully?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

17. Do you think about what you want to accomplish with your communication?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

18. Do you plan the best time to say what you want to say?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

19. Do you think about how your spouse might react to what you say?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

20. Do you consider the best way to communicate (written, spoken, and/or the timing)?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

21. Do you always care about your spouse’s emotional condition when speaking to him/her (if he/she is stressed, sad, worried, hostile, disinterested, rushed, angry, etc.)?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

22. Do you adjust your communication to your spouse’s personality?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

23. Do you assume that your spouse knows and understands what you are communicating or have communicated to him/her?

1 - Most of the Time 2 - Frequently 3 - Occasionally 4 - Almost Never

24. Do you allow your spouse to respectfully vent negative feelings toward you without becoming defensive?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

25. Do you regularly make efforts to increase your listening efficiency?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

26. Do you take notes when necessary to help you remember?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

27. Do you listen closely without being distracted by surroundings and/or children?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

28. Do you listen to your spouse without judging or criticizing?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

29. Do you restate instructions and messages to be sure you understand correctly?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

30. Do you listen to your spouse with preconceived assumptions or attitudes?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

31. Do you take responsibility for your part in the unloving communication by asking the Lord and your spouse to forgive you?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

32. Do you discuss with your children any difficulties you are having with your spouse?

4 - Most of the Time 3 - Frequently 2 - Occasionally 1 - Almost Never

GRAND TOTAL

110-120: Superior Listener

99-109: Above Average Listener

88-98: Average Listener

77-87: Fair Listener

<77: Poor to Very Poor Listener

We have also included a companion worksheet, Improve Your Loving Communication Habits in the Appendices for your edification. This should be used along with the self-evaluation worksheet when you see unloving communication being exhibited.

Remember: a true disciple of Christ is not simply trying to acquire intellectual knowledge; a true disciple invests himself/herself to learn and to live according to the principles God teaches in his Word. Your investment in learning and living according to the principles God reveals to you through this material will transform your life as God desires.

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